The Regulars

Well, it's the weekend - and a holiday weekend at that - so there has been no bus-riding for Busrider J and I for the past three days. A shame, to be sure, but the city of Cedar Rapids doesn't believe anyone needs to get anywhere on Sundays or holidays, so we have been without viewings of our favorite fellow riders.

OUR FIVE FAVORITE REGULARS

5. Staring Guy Senior. He is on the No. 6 every morning, and like his younger counterpart, enjoys a good stare. He also enjoys spit cups and overalls.

4. Staring Guy. He is on the No. 6 every so often, and likes to stare at us. Now, we understand that as two of the five or six lesbians in all of Iowa, we're going to get attention. But then again, it's not as though we're going down on each other on the way to Wal-Mart. We sit next to each other, occasionally hold hands, and giggle like idiots over whatever new in-joke we have for the day. I like to think he is staring not because he knows we're lesbians (we had to tell his mother/lover that we were sisters because she asked very pointedly at the ass-crack of dawn one day), but because we are smokin' hot lesbians.

3. Morbidly Obese Couple. Again, a No. 6 staple, they ride the bus together every morning, their combined mass creating a separate gravity well in the back of the bus. I still haven't figured out how a person can think tucking a too-tight (yet obviously XXXXL t-shirt) into a pair of sweatpants is a positive fashion statement, yet there seems to be two people who are of that school of thought. The male part of the MOC also enjoys sticking his meaty hand down the front of his pants.

2. Orange Shirt Girl. Orange Shirt Girl is an enigma. We never know what she's going to wear each day. Will it be her orange shirt and brown flowered skirt, or... her... oh, right. Orange Shirt Girl has the one outfit, which she drapes over her massive frame day after day without any regard for laundry detergent or stain remover. She rides the No. 7 each day, her greasy head bobbing in time with whatever is coming through her discman's pre-packaged headphones.

1. Drooling Cindy Lauper. She is our undisputed favorite. She accompanies Orange Shirt Girl each day on the afternoon No. 7, though we can't quite figure out the relationship. She is an older woman, though dresses much like Cindy Lauper in her hey-day, with bangles and short skirts over spandex pants and makeup so heavy it makes me want to buy stock in Cover Girl. But all of that pales in comparison with how she spends her time on the bus: she drools. Profusely. Now, I realize that there are any number of reasons for this, none of which are nice to make fun of. However, you try not attempting to find humor in being drooled on as Drooling Cindy Lauper thrusts her crotchal area into your knee when the bus is too crowded for anyone to sit down. Go on, try it. I dare you. Every day we approach her stop, and I mentally calculate whether or not I will need to move in order to not be drooled on. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, but I always get a little thrill when Drooling Cindy Lauper and Orange Shirt girl make their appearance. Where do they go? What do they do? Are they mother and daughter, or something else?

As the days pass, the mystery only deepens. I know, though, that someday I will discover the secret. Until then, I will have to keep riding the bus.

CEDAR RAPIDS SMELL-O-GRAM FOR AUGUST 29TH
Dog turds wrapped in bacon.